It's Probably Offensive That I Was Offended

I went to buy some drinking stuff Saturday–a bottle of champagne and some sweet tea vodka.  If you haven’t tried it, you should stop reading and go get some ASAP.  It really is more important than my being offended.  Do please come back and read with drink in hand though.

So I went to the closest liquor store where there is this especially chipper cashier.  Especially chipper.  Exceptionally chipper.  She’s really just too chipper.  Anyway, I’ve encountered her before, and I must admit, she drove me a little crazy, but on Saturday she flat out offended me.  After asking me about five times how my day was (it only takes 2.5 minutes to pay for two bottles of booze, right?), she proceeded to wish me a happy mother’s day.

I realize that she was probably just saying this because she is incapable of not talking for even five seconds, but really?  Why happy mother’s day?  Do I look like a mother?  And, if so, what exactly does a mother look like?  I have a lot of mom friends, and they are mostly distinguishable from one another.

I’m sure some would say something like, “Geez [or worse], Kristen, there’s nothing wrong with being a mom.”  To that, I would reply, “Of course there isn’t.”  I very much love my own mother and my mom (and mom’s) friends, so I don’t mean to discredit moms, but isn’t there something wrong with just wishing a random woman (sans children in tow) a happy mother’s day?  I think there is.

This is sort of up there with congratulating people on getting pregnant, or better yet, birthing the baby, or on getting married.  Celebrate?  Absolutely.  Congratulate though?  Seems a strange sentiment to me.  A discussion probably best suited for another day.

I came home to see lots of people wishing me, and everyone else, a happy mother’s day on Facebook, claiming that all people have mothers.  This is true, but is that really reason to wish them a happy mother’s day?  We all know secretaries and nurses, but to my knowledge, we only wish happy days to secretaries and nurses on those days.  Likewise, I think grandparent’s day is reserved for grandparents.

You may think I’m being cynical, even bitchy, but I think I was justifiably offended.  After all, she didn’t wish the man ahead of me a happy anything.

Lessons learned:

• People should be okay wih (and even embrace) silence if all they can do is ramble.
• I will need a Xanax if I am to ever go back in that store with that chipper cashier.
• I should learn to let things roll off my back more.
• I enjoy not letting things roll of my back, so I get to have a soapbox later.

Learning How to do Thanksgiving, Part 4, the Final Installment: The Rest

I’m staying home for Thanksgiving this year.  My husband and I decided to do some projects around the house and to simultaneously try our hands at cooking a Thanksgiving meal this year.  We aren’t spending the holiday with extended family, but we are spending it with family (because two people who are married, even if they don’t have children, still count as a family).

Item #4 on the list: everything else.  To complement our tasty turkey and dressing, we made mashed potatoes and gravy, sautéed Brussels sprouts, bread, and butter pecan ice cream.  And lots of wine.

After too many glasses of wine, I burned the bread.  Also, my husband didn’t read the ice cream maker directions very closely, so the ice cream didn’t set (although it did look yummy).

I burned the bread. Yes, that is smoke you see.

We have much practice at the other two items and can cook them after drinking wine though, so I will share their goodness.

Mashed Potatoes (I highly recommend red potatoes):

Wash as many potatoes as you want to cook.  Leave skins on.  Put them in a pot of salted water and boil until fork tender.  Drain and add back to hot pot.  Add cream or milk, butter, herbs (I recommend rosemary), salt, and pepper—all to taste.  Mash to preferred consistency.

See, easy.  Go home and make them tonight.

If you buy instant mashed potatoes, please ask someone to hit you in the head (like the V-8 commercials) because real mashed potatoes are too easy to buy frozen or dehydrated instant varieties.

Brussels Sprouts:

1-1½ lb fresh Brussels sprouts, halved

½ cu chopped pecans (walnuts work well too)

4 strips of bacon

1 shallot, halved and thinly sliced

1-2 tbsp olive oil

2-3 garlic cloves, chopped

red pepper flakes

salt and pepper

Chop and sauté bacon until crisp.  Remove bacon from the pan, but leave drippings.  Add shallot and garlic and sauté until tender.  Remove from pan to prevent burning.  Add sprouts and sauté until tender and slightly browned, about 10 min.  Add olive oil to prevent burning, if needed.  Add nuts in the last 3-4 min.  Add shallot, bacon, garlic, and red pepper flakes and toss to combine.  Add salt and pepper to taste.

The finished product was a pretty good one. Look how tasty those Brussels sprouts look.

Learning How to do Thanksgiving, Part 3: The Dressing

I’m staying home for Thanksgiving this year.  My husband and I decided to do some projects around the house and to simultaneously try our hands at cooking a Thanksgiving meal this year.  We aren’t spending the holiday with extended family, but we are spending it with family (because two people who are married, even if they don’t have children, still count as a family).

Thanksgiving is more fun with lots of wine.

Item #3 on the list: the dressing.  Anyone who makes bad dressing (read: runny, dry, crumbly, tasteless) is talked about on the way home from grandma’s house.  In the South, there really is no excuse for bad dressing.  We’ve got cornbread down pat, so dressing should be a piece of cake, right?  We all know this isn’t the case because we’ve all had that bad dressing.  Someone’s Aunt Ida brings the runny kind.  Someone else’s Aunt May brings the tasteless kind.  For all you cooks out there, next year should be your year to bring the dressing.  I guarantee you success.

I don’t have a family heirloom recipe, so I consulted the next best thing—Paula Deen.  She knows her stuff when it comes to traditional Southern food, and she did not disappoint this time either.  I altered her recipe in a few places, sometimes on purpose and sometimes not, but it turned out delicious.

Dressing Recipe:

Cornbread (use the recipe on the back of the cornmeal package)

7 slices oven-dried bread

1 sleeve saltines

2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

2 cu chopped celery

1 onion, chopped

7 cu chicken stock

2 large sprigs rosemary, chopped

5 sprigs thyme, chopped

2 tbsp dried sage

2 hardboiled eggs, chopped

5 eggs, beaten

salt and pepper to taste

Crumble cornbread, white bread, and saltines in a large bowl and set aside.

Add oil, celery, onion, and herbs to a sauté pan.  Cook until veggies are transparent.  Pour veggies over cornbread mixture.  Add stock and boiled eggs and stir to combine.  Taste and add salt and pepper as needed.  Add beaten eggs and mix to combine.  Reserve two large spoonfuls of dressing mixture for giblet gravy.  Pour remaining mixture into baking dish and bake at 350° until done in center.  (Paula’s recipe says 45 min.  It took more like 1.5 hrs. for mine.  All depends on the baking dish, I’m sure.)

Uncooked dressing still looks yummy.

While you’re at it, you ought to go ahead and do the giblet gravy too.  They do go together after all, and you don’t want that aunt who makes the bad dressing to bring the bad gravy.

Giblet Gravy Recipe:

giblets from turkey, chopped

½ onion, thinly sliced

4 cu turkey drippings (add chicken stock as needed)

2 large spoonfuls of dressing mixture

2 hardboiled eggs, chopped

2 sprigs rosemary, whole

3 sprigs thyme, whole

1 tsp dried sage

3 tbsp cornstarch

1/3 cu cold water

1 tangerine, sliced

Sauté giblets and onion in a skillet until slightly brown.  Add turkey drippings and dressing mixture and bring to a boil.  Add herbs and tangerine slices.  In a separate bowl mix cornstarch and water.  Add this mixture to the boiling stock, stirring constantly. Reduce heat and cook for 2-3 min.  Add salt and pepper to taste, and add the chopped eggs.

Homemade gravy is the best.

Learning How to do Thanksgiving, Part 1: Brining a Turkey

I’m staying home for Thanksgiving this year.  My husband and I decided to do some projects around the house and to simultaneously try our hands at cooking a Thanksgiving meal.  We aren’t spending the holiday with extended family, but we are spending it with family (because two people who are married, even if they don’t have children, still count as a family).

Item #1 on the list: the turkey.  We have cooked turkeys before, but nothing of this magnitude.  Usually we buy a 3-6 lb. turkey breast to cook in the oven for sandwich meat.  This time of year, apparently these small turkeys don’t exist, at least not at our local Kroger three days before Thanksgiving Day.  Therefore, for just the two of us, we are cooking a 13 lb. turkey.  It’s pretty big.  We’ve also decided to forgo the traditional oven method and are going to smoke the bird instead.  We feel pretty confident in this venture because we’ve smoked other items and have been mostly successful.  Again, though, this is a big turkey, so let’s hope all goes well in there.  Of course, tomorrow is the day we’ll smoke the turkey; today is brining day, so I shall tell you what I learned about brining a turkey.

What I learned:

1.  Brining a turkey is easy.  It really is.

2.  You can pretty much throw in whatever sounds good to you. *

3.  You need a big pot, bigger than you think, if you’re brining a normal-size turkey (as opposed to the 3-6 lb. versions we’ve done in the past).  I used my canning pot.

4.  You will probably have to reorganize the refrigerator to make room for this pot.

5.  This reorganization is a great time to clean out leftovers and wipe down the surfaces in the fridge.

*This one is still under consideration because we haven’t cooked or eaten the turkey yet, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.

Brining recipe:

1.5 cu salt

1.5 cu brown sugar

1 tbsp peppercorns

1 tbsp thyme

1 tbsp rosemary

1 tbsp sage

2 qt vegetable stock

Rind of two tangerines

2 qt water (add more as needed to submerge turkey)

How to brine a turkey:

1.  Combine first eight ingredients and simmer until salt and sugar dissolve, about 15 min.

2.  Remove from heat and allow to cool.

3.  While brine is cooling, clean the turkey: remove innards, trim excess fat.

4.  Once cooled, pour brine over turkey in large pot.

5.  Add water to pot to cover turkey.

6.  Store turkey in the refrigerator for 12-15 hr., or overnight.

Brine Mixture Cooling

Learning How to do Thanksgiving, Part 2: Smoking a Turkey

I’m staying home for Thanksgiving this year.  My husband and I decided to do some projects around the house and to simultaneously try our hands at cooking a Thanksgiving meal this year.  We aren’t spending the holiday with extended family, but we are spending it with family (because two people who are married, even if they don’t have children, still count as a family).

Item #2 on the list: still the turkey.  We successfully smoked a turkey, and I was right about my hunch that you can throw anything in the brine.  Our turkey was yummy!

What I learned:

1.  Smoking a turkey is easy, even if you don’t have a smoker.  Just use one side of your grill for the coals and rest the meat on the other side.

2.  You can venture down the road to visit friends and cook the rest of your dinner with little attention to the turkey.  Just watch the thermometer and keep it at the right place.

Your turkey smoking experience will be significantly better with a bloody mary in hand.

How to smoke a turkey in a grill:

1.  Rinse the turkey to remove excess brine (I’m told this is to prevent too much saltiness).

2.  Pat turkey dry.

3.  Stuff with herbs and aromatics.  We used these: 1 onion, 7 garlic cloves, 2 stalks of celery, 2-3 rosemary and thyme sprigs, 12 sage leaves (because that’s how many I picked), 2 tangerines, quartered.

4.  Light coals on one side of grill and bring temp. to 250°.

5.  Place turkey on opposite side.

6.  Replace coals as needed to keep grill at 250°.

7.  Smoke until done (approx. 30 min. per pound).

Turkey stuffed with aromatics

Turkey after the smoking